3rd and Near Fatal Suicide Attempt
Posting to "Survivors of Suicide" Forum
2nd chance at life
Hi Guys,
I haven't been here since last December, when I had lost a fellow Bipolar Disorder
buddy to suicide. Back then I had intensely felt my own mortality. It could have been me?
Today, I am here on my 2nd chance at life. Last Thursday night, it was me.
I OD'd Thursday night, and was found Friday in my car, some 15 hours later, parked back
on BLM land, by my husband. It was a rainy, very muddy drive in and my husband was
afraid to open the car and check on me. I feel so very very sad for the trouble I
put my husband through. Unconscious me, rain, and calling 911 by cell phone - rain
dripping off his cowboy hat.
I don't recall much. But I hear terms like "found near dead", "at deaths door", etc.
Apparently my core body temperature was 7 degrees too low. I remained in a coma for 2.5 days.
Now I am hearing phases like "amazing recovery" - while both my medical and psyche doc
are asking questions regarding brain damage.
I have not been released yet on my own from the hospital, but into my husbands care.
My balance in walking is still a bit off, and my stamina none ...
But I want to shout my thanks to the universe
"I got me a 2nd chance!"
(and I don't intend to screw this one up)
Linda-room42
Bless you all,
As you point out, the "life circumstances" have not changed. But the phase my bipolar
disorder is in - has changed. Thus, what was so very important, is not important at all.
Freedom, and sunshine, and love, and smell of fresh cut hay - now there's a few things
that are really important.
Thank you all
Linda-room42
Cowboy hat,
There is a certain romance to the high altitude desert western skylines. And that is where
I live. The BLM land is a mile and a half around the corner and you cross the last
irrigation canal and then it is 6 miles of dirt road to the Bookcliff Mountains. All
BLM land. All "junk" desert. A wild horse preserve is just on the other side
(but 54 miles away, going around by road). I walk my dogs back there. People
dirt bike and target shoot. Amongst the litter, is little pieces of wild desert
(rabbit, deer, ground squirrel).
Our rock hard desert turns to buttery mud with rain, and that was the kind of
day it was. My husband 4-wheeled back in there in his pickup truck (with his
trusty dog "Captain" riding shotgun). Apparently 3 sheriff cars, a fire truck
and ambulance drove back in there that day also. The emergency people were
wading 4 inch deep buttery mud to pull me out of my car. The site I imagine
on the dull grey drizzly Friday morning, with all those people coming to my
aide - well, just strikes me awesome. "Down in the field" is what they called it.
My poor dear husband, standing in the rain, with a cell phone, rain dripping off his hat.
I don't remember ICU. I woke up thinking I was at a B&B in a Colorado town 300miles
from here. But I remembered it's smell. In all that went on, I have lost my wallet,
so I was retracing my steps - looking for it. I remembered the smell of ICU. And
even instantly knew which bed had been mine. Geezo, what a bed. They say they cost
$300,000. Wonder what my bill is going to be? I slept in a coma in that bed 3 days.
I am out now on my own, under "house arrest"
(safety plan).
I seem to be okay, but just have no stamina - I look a little green around the gills.
Okay, if I've done myself harm, I've done myself harm. But inch, by inch -
I will re-wire any neural pathways I have lost.
It is a beautiful sunny Colorado spring day. And I can do all the resting up I may have
to do - from right here in my lovely little old 1914 farmhouse.
I got me a 2nd chance. That simply can not happen again. I won't make it next time.
I know that much.
My car keys?
They are frozen solid in a block of ice. I am under house arrest and
that is just fine by me.
Linda-room42
Hard For Me to Say
It's hard for me to say exactly "what" "mood" I was in. My psyche doc saw it as psychotic.
I saw me as one heck of an angry manic almost like a freight train headed for a wreck.
I think I'm going to take my shrinks word for it - it was a psychotic angry mania -
sometimes also called mixed states psychotic ... he says next time he will just
hospitalize me. I almost have to agree. I was very heavily medicated at the time and
still way out of control. By comparison - there is no comparison, I am on barely any
meds at all, at the moment.
One thing I really appreciate about this particular set of professionals in my life
right now is - they didn't dump me cause I screwed up. They are hanging with me.
I must go forward knowing for certainty that whatever mood state that was ... is
inevitable to happen again. They can't fix me. If I must go forward bravely, I am
glad for once, I don't have to go forward all alone. That has happened before and it
is sheer terror. This time - these guys are hanging with me. Even the last gal to
talk with me ... is hanging in with me and I know she must have felt awful. I have
before, when I've been trying to help someone.
Linda-room42
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