3rd and Near Fatal Suicide Attempt |
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"Do not forget the beauty of the day...it's all worth it."
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... you bet'cha. Near as I can tell, this is all there is - it is all worth it, because there is nothing else. The pain, the beauty - all of it, is all there is. To be cherished and sometimes endured.
I had managed to keep myself safe for 2.5 years (having 2 other serious attempts under my belt). Not even little mess ups - oh once, I baby stepped my way to too many aspirin, but other then that - no other mess ups, not even minor cutting (which I had done in the past). I'd kept myself safe by having this stash of utterly fatal drugs. I'd tell myself when in that self harm phase of bipolar ... "Either you hurt yourself or you don't - don't even mess around with minor mess ups." As these drugs I had were so fatal, the choice was made easier: I simply couldn't do that.
Till the day my safety plan failed me and sheer impulse, ruled the moment, because it indeed was just a moment - probably no more then 10 minutes time ... from my house to the desert, to having swallowed too much, to being passed out from what I had swallowed.
I needed a new safety plan. My near fatal attempt is easily repeated and even easier to double the dose of the fatal drug. I feel very exposed / vulnerable to my own hand. 3 days on he psyche ward and I've come up with a new plan. It is one of artificial boundaries, but if I can adhere to these boundaries - is likely to keep me safe, even knowing what I know now (that was easy and painless and swift).
My husband is who found me out on BLM land, some 15 hours after the deed. He found me unconscious in my car, on a rainy day in the desert. Him on his cell phone, calling 911 with rain dripping off his cowboy hat - is a mental image I don't ever want to put him through again. But he is one tough cookie, and he is hanging in here with me. In fact, we've spent the weekend falling in love with each other, all over again. Very pleasant, huh?
It is true, that from the age of 15, some of the stories I tell are big stories, big unbelievable stories. More then once a friend has turned to me and told me I had courage. But I don't see it that way, because I literally know, no other way. To have courage, to me, would be action in the face of known danger. As I don't perceive the danger, then how could I possibly be courageous?
I'm not done processing my thoughts regarding this past suicide attempt. I have been rock solid safe for about 4 days, and that is comforting ... as just 6 days ago I was psychotic with the walls breathing and just darned pissed off I had failed.
Yesterday, my husband revealed an issue I had wondered about. I have a living will - no artificial means are to be used to prolong my life (agony). I had thought my living will had been violated. Turns out, it had not been. Within 2 hours the doctors had asked my husband if I had such a will, for they were predicting brain dead for me. My living will specifies a period of 7 days of permanent unconsciousness, where as I only remained in the coma for 2.5 days. Kind of a relief to me, but my husband was appreciative that I had left such a living will. He would not have to choose for me, I had left written instructions. Likewise, the doctors were more comfortable also - they could do as I wished, thereby easing their own minds.
I am not brain dead, nor does there appear to be much, if any, brain damage at all. My attention span is real short right now, and my handwriting atrocious - but given enough time, I retain the ability to think and function as always.
"They" are calling my recovery "amazing", as I was up and functioning solidly on my own, in half the time they were expecting, that I'd even come out of the coma.
I hear this news with a shrug of my shoulders. I am just me, and whatever happened, well that was just me as well.
Given the timeline and my knowledge of half life and steady state on the drugs I did OD on, I believe I came out of that coma - just past peak plasma levels. Yesterday I had my 1st headache again - right on the steady state mark, which tells me the number #1 drug is finally out of my system. And I slept last night for the first time in 6 days - another clue that my system is finally getting clean of the drugs of the OD.
My plan worked better then expected, but as I had planned. My number #1 drug was not in it's bottle, but rather in a baggie labeled with dosage (2.92 grams). I had done this on purpose, so they wouldn't know what I had OD'ed on. And they didn't. They were thrown off by the amphetamine in my blood work (which I have a script for) - and none of them detected the drug I had actually poisoned myself with. One of the 2 drugs I used to sleep through the ordeal, apparently protected me - worked against my own poisoning. I can see that now.
For the moment, at least - awareness of all life is very keen to me. I am not exactly on speaking terms with any notion of a god, but yet - something has happened that smacks more then just coincidence. I have picked up a little paid web design work from a neighbor who saw and followed up on my lawn sign, advertising my own web site.
Now don't that beat all? Here I am out the expense of a new computer, as my other computers motherboard is bad - I come out of this coma, and out of the blue, some computer work falls in my lap (which hasn't happened in years). I must admit to some very eerie - the hand of something is working in mysterious ways in my life right about now.
Ah ... I ramble on.
Thank you for honoring my spirit, my will to die and even more so, my will to put that behind me, and solidly re-engage in living.
Linda
You've touched my heart:
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"Awake every moment in that Big Sky Country of Colorado. Those sudden thunderstorms that come and go so quick, so alive. That's you in my mind's eye, Linda."
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You are very good with words.
On the subject of words ... This site has always struck me as home to many who are creative with words and images. Oh, how I desperately wish that I was, at the moment.
My emotions are raw and intense - like my damper is off or something. Yet, neither words or images is where my talents lie. Hence, I am very frustrated in not being able to express ... I guess the word is "wonder". I am just awestruck by this thing we call awareness, and how I know now - that awareness is everything.
Ah ... oppression. TIP has made me aware of this word, though of course, I like many, have experienced oppression in one of it's nearly global forms. I am female, and our world societies for the most part, are male dominated.
I fought back yesterday, in a light hearted fashion. My psyche doctor had emphatically called computer stuff "boys stuff". Oh - don't even tell me about "boys stuff" - that is one load of crap I have seen all my life.
My talents lie in computers. At times, powered by hypo mania, I have been a whiz kid with computers. Last night when I went to see my psyche doctor, I gave him a little "show and tell" to shove his "boys stuff" back at him. I was amused. I think my audience was amused, as well. My husband was with me, and between my husband and this psyche doctor - these 2 guys are a few of my favorite MCP's (make chauvinist pigs).
I led with a picture of me and my 2 brothers (no sisters). I have been teased by the best, and my brothers taught me how to be one of the boys. They don't mind if I out think them, though my big brother does mind if I out achieve him (must be a sibling order thing).
I followed with my Technical Achievement Award from Martin Marietta - a real rocket company (Titan launch missile). Yep, dear MCP's I worked shoulder to shoulder with real rocket scientists and guess what? They gave me this award (amongst the boys). Funny, hindsight - that was 20 years ago. I had thought that Einstein had sat on my shoulder helping me with the mathematical equations I got that award for. I didn't know I had bipolar. Was I delusional? If not, then I was darn close LOL
Then I closed with a picture of my current desk. It was an empty desk when I'd been released from the hospital 4 days ago. It now has 3 computers, networked - with 2 of them on a switch , sharing a monitor / keyboard. Don't tell me what is "boys stuff". What is this "boys stuff" doing all over this old gals desk?
This picture of my desk is evidence that I am not brain dead, in fact, my brain is cognitively working just fine.
To give my show and tell the humor that would allow these dear old MCP's to swallow my rebuttal - I pulled a "Sweet Poly Purebred" (from Underdog cartoons). Now that my desk is upstairs, I don't want to set up a world where my husband and I are shouting up and down these stairs. I went out and bought some "boys stuff". 2 walkie talkies - a portable intercom system. So I pulled these out of my pocket, and gave my husband his. And then in true "Sweet Poly Purebred" fashion I said "Help me, help me" - know how to use this "boys stuff".
Of course, later at home, it was I that showed my husband how these gizmos work LOL
"Boys stuff". I couldn't believe the guy was saying that. What a load of rubbish. No, I'm not very good with words or images. But I am a natural with technology. And boys stuff - shoot, all I've ever known was boys. From my brothers, to all those dear rocket scientist buddies of mine.
I digress.
Oddly enough, my psyche doctor is very taken with the autobiography of John Nash, the Nobel prize winning schizophrenic - and quotes the guys book "A Beautiful Mind" often. He explains me to himself, in terms of that book (what a huge compliment to my intelligence!) John Nash had said his genius and psychosis both came from the same headspace. I agree. It is the same for me. The part of the autobiography I was most taken with was how psychosis was an "appetite of the mind" and how some appetites must not be indulged. To live with psychosis is like being on a diet. One can not feed (indulge) the psychosis.
I digress even further.
You are very good with words, and you've touched my heart with them.
Linda
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar Disorder, Second Edition
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The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings
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An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
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Wellness Recovery Action Plan
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My name is Linda. I welcome your feedback.
However, please be gentle and speak softly.
Ordinary real life rocks my mood, and I really
don't need Internet email, to set off a mood episode in motion - you know what I mean?
I look forward to hearing from you, and if I can be of help in any way, I sure will try.
Disclaimer
The intention of this site is to provide understanding, information, and commentary. The diagnosis and treatment of Bipolar Disorder requires trained medical professionals. The author of this site is NOT a trained medical professional and cannot give professional advice, diagnose, prescribe, or in any way treat Bipolar Disorder. The information here should NOT be used as a substitute for seeking professional care for the diagnosis and treatment of any medical/psychiatric disorder. If you feel you are ill or know someone who may be, seek medical attention as soon as possible.
© Copyright 2003 Linda Fisher™
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