Bipolar Essays Home (Index)

3rd and Near Fatal Suicide Attempt Posting to "mainstream" Bipolar Support Forum I have me a 2nd chance on life, folks. I wasn't away just because my computer's motherboard was bad, but rather I was away because I massively OD'ed two Thursday nights ago. Yet, I am here, and I live on. I got me a 2nd chance. "found near dead" was the rumor. "down in the field" is what ICU called it. "at deaths door" is what my psyche doctor called it --- who by the way, did NOT dump me for messing up big time, nor did he send me to state, or court order Lithium - none of these things. My psyche doctor is hanging in with me. My psyche doctor apparently visited me in ICU (don't remember), did for sure visit me when I was on an open medical ward, and of course saw me, once they had me on the psyche ward (spending days coming up with a new safety plan - which I have done). My psyche doctor called my state of mind "psychotic". I spent 2.5 days in a coma, 3 days in ICU, 2 days on the medical ward, and once down on the psyche ward - both my psyche doctor and my medical doctor were asking questions regarding brain damage. All my meds were stopped for about 5 days. Currently I am taking dual anti psychotics (Geodon & Seroquel) --- way, way - less meds then I had been on. I had been very heavily drugged (and still way out of control). I had to ask my psyche doctor, the situation just begs the question - if psychosis is the problem - why BP 1, why not schizo effective? My psyche doctors answer was because all my psychotic symptoms are positive - I have no negative psychotic symptoms. Okay - what ever. I think from my point of view, I was one heck of an angry manic with my back against the wall. Angry mania, dysphoric mania, mixed states, psychotic ... you know all these terms are just vague enough to only mean one thing ... Very big troubles. And I sure had them. Brain damage - I don't know. I am very, very, very lucky. I have very little stamina at the moment and can't sleep (like 3 hours, last night). But I have been able to function at any task I have applied myself too. My psyche doctor tells me he is just going to hospitilize me next time. I had called him emergency wise 2 days earlier. I was on the phone talking with hospital psyche evaluations, who was telling me to come in - when I didn't go in - I went and messed up - all within 10 minutes. So even if the cops had been called, they would have been too late, unless someone had kept me live, on the phone, with them. There can be no next time. I have a proven formula here that is effective and painless and very easy for me to acquire. My car keys are currently frozen solid in a block of ice ... I am under "house arrest". LOL Bipolar bit me. My husband found me in my car, parked back on BLM land some 15 hours later ... in the rain. This is just such a sad mental picture ... here he finds his unconscious wife, afraid to check himself, calling 911 from his cell phone, rain dripping off the brim of his cowboy hat. And that's the way things were. They say my core body temperature was 7 degrees too low. Me? I woke from the coma and thought I was in a B&B in a Colorado town 300miles from here. They tell me my first actions were to throw the bed pan around LOL There was one odd occurrence while still in ICU. I was trying to talk with that "intubated" tube in my mouth, but apparently couldn't be understood. So I had asked for paper and pencil ... I do recall them showing me what I had written, which was indecipherable. They say my recovery is amazing. Me? I am more in love with my husband then ever, and in love with my blue Colorado skies. I got me a 2nd chance at life and I aim to not mess that up - just can't do that ... It is obvious I would not survive a 2nd try on this plan. Like all of us bipolars, we can only walk forward into our futures - knowing with certainty, that whatever "mood state" that was, is only likely to happen again. This is the first time my medical team has not abandoned me just because I was sick. They are all hanging in there with me. My therapist also visited me while I was on the medical ward. My psyche doctor says the psychosis showed up, settled in and stayed. He says he can read my flavor of bipolar better now? Am I still psychotic? Yes, or at least 2 nights ago the infernal barely audible radio could be heard (that stupid radio many psychotics hear). But I am no longer an angry manic. I am grateful to be on the planet. Freedom, sunshine, love and the smell of fresh cut hay - now here are a few things that are real important to me. Obviously, I had at least temporally forgotten - what was important, versus what is not. I live on. I got me a 2nd chance at life. What a huge blessing!!! Linda Not clear on what distinguishes a positive from a negative psychosis...sounds odd to me maybe right now tag doesn't matter Linda...symptoms and keeping you safe does. Whatever name they want to call it is okay by me. We all know it's the treatment plan that matters. The reason I periodically ask - like times like this where psychosis is blamed and bipolar not even mentioned (dual anti psychotics - no classic mood stabilizer) is because my little brothers dx is schizo affective, and my great aunts dx was schizophrenic. Course long ago, they often diagnosed bupolars as schizophrenic. I'm not crazy about anti psychotics ... unfortunately I am like many psychotics and some psychosis is so tantalizingly pleasant, interesting, fascinating ... I don't exactly want to give it all up. On the other hand, just a few nights ago the walls were breathing and that's nasty business - don't like that kind of stuff. Yeah, I'm sure my posts did read like a freight train about to wreck: blew a cork - ran away overnight blew a cork - threw a water glass at the sliding glass door blew a cork - ran away overnight - called emergency psyche doctor, took proper emergency meds blew a cork - mildly OD'd on benzo's blew a cork - talked with hospital, didn't go in - messed up instead I was one very angry manic. I don't even know why any of those things were important enough to be angry about today. Go figure? Linda After all you've been through, you're so clear headed and so positive. Yeah, I am on a "positive" roll here. I was a little mad at first. Three nights ago with the breathing walls, I was furious I had failed. Some of this junk is hard to take (as we all know). Fortunately, someone gave me some anti psychotic 3 nights ago and after a brief nap, things were better. After I'd swallowed a bazillion pills in 5 minutes time (and felt like a belly full of pills) - I looked out at my Colorado desert through the windshield of my car. I thought - Good bye Colorado - I wonder what, if anything, is next? I was out like a light in 1.5 cigarettes - not much time to think at all. I don't think there is anything else after awareness is gone. Unconscious is just that - unconscious. It is easy. Today, I mowed my cherished back hay field. I love that field. The swallows are always flying on that first cutting. There are no swallows when your unconscious. There is no anything. It is harder to go forward, but the effort is most definitely worth the trouble. I guess I fall into the camp of "This is it" - no 2nd go rounds. But I did get me a 2nd chance at this miraculous thing called life - consciousness. I love my hayfield, with my doggies following behind my tractor. Life is a miracle to be treasured (or endured) - which ever the mood might be. Linda Perhaps now that you have seen just how strong he is, how cooperative the psyche doctor was, how everyone took care of you---you will be able to ask for help earlier. When my therapist came and visited with me on the medical ward, he instructed me to "fix" the problem on why I couldn't use the hospital. I had no idea how I would do that. My opening came thru the dreaded hospital therapist - the darn confrontational lady that she is. Apparently, I had spoken to her first, before speaking with the nurse eval lady. She felt everything, all of us feel, when all that we did, was not enough. So I told her what the problem was. She wanted to know. After all, I'd been on the phone with them. The problem is this is a small town, and that is a very small psyche ward. There are no secrets. Staff, speaking to staff is overheard by the patients. That staff has a cultural bias against suicide ideation, as if it were a behavior problem one could "just say no" too. Where psychosis is big bad mental illnesss. I was a patient often. I heard the slander against me. It's a small place. The slander was even spoken directly to me. I have also heard the judgment that I was really psychotic - thereby deserving of being there. Either judgment overheard by the patients is wrong. It is only for the docs or the eval team to say. This hospital therapist understood what I was talking about. She has encouraged me to write the unit director. I have done so. Will it do any good? I'm not sure it even matters. They are shutting down that unit and county taking over. County is building a new psyche hospital this summer. I did call the emergency psyche doctor 2 nights earlier and it just so happened to be my psyche doctor. I did call the hospital that night. Sheer paranoia prevented me from pursueing that course. What can I say? When we are that messed up, we are not exactly rational. The only thing I can think of that may have been able to stop what happened, is if the cops had been called and I had been detained on the phone. That did not happen. And I hold only me accountable for that issue. It was I that made the choice for me. By no means, do I mean to sound hard and cold, but bad things have happened to me at that hospital. Things I think should happen to no one. Not even the mentally ill. I did thank my psyche doctor for hanging in with me and not dumping me. He acknowledged that thank you. Linda

Recommended Reading - Must Reads For Bipolar's and Their Families

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar Disorder, Second Edition Absolutely the best description of Bipolar Disorder I have read anywhere. An excellent read for giving your mind a chance to over come mood.	The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings By the same author as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. This is the CBT workbook I have needed from the beginning. Truly non-pharmaceutical Mind over Mood stuff - that works.
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness An easy, quick read that both the person with Bipolar will recognize themself in, and their loved ones will recognize what Bipolar Disorder is. Kay Jamison both has Bipolar Disorder, and is a Psychiatrist. If you read no other book - read this one.	Wellness Recovery Action Plan Wellness Recovery Action Plan WRAP - the most self empowering recovery method I have run across anywhere.

My name is Linda. I welcome your feedback.
However, please be gentle and speak softly.
Ordinary real life rocks my mood, and I really don't need Internet email, to set off a mood episode in motion - you know what I mean?
I look forward to hearing from you, and if I can be of help in any way, I sure will try.

Disclaimer

The intention of this site is to provide understanding, information, and commentary. The diagnosis and treatment of Bipolar Disorder requires trained medical professionals. The author of this site is NOT a trained medical professional and cannot give professional advice, diagnose, prescribe, or in any way treat Bipolar Disorder. The information here should NOT be used as a substitute for seeking professional care for the diagnosis and treatment of any medical/psychiatric disorder. If you feel you are ill or know someone who may be, seek medical attention as soon as possible.

© Copyright 2003 Linda Fisher™

:::: Bipolar Site Map ::::

:::: Reply42.com's Home Page :::: Reply 42: What about the 42? :::: Reply 42: Site Map :::: :::: Most Popular [all unrelated] :::: Basal Metabolism Calculator :::: Dec, Hex, ASCII, EBCDIC, Binary, Code Tables :::: :::: Grand Junction CO - Photo Gallery :::: 60's-70's Name That Tune! Game :::: Meaningful Activities To Do :::: :::: Bipolar Essays :::: Our Pointing Labrador Retrievers :::: Garden Collaborations :::: Bear Paw Ranch Resort :::: :::: Webmasters: Free Sticky Content :::: :::: Feed the Hungry :::: Support America's Second Harvest :::: :::: Search Site ::::