Managing the Energy Discrepancies
of Living with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder
Where you say:
"That one day I can accomplish so much but then the next, I can hardly muster up the
energy to get out of bed. "
I am Rapid Cycler. Managing the ever changing energy level about drove me batty at first.
I couldn't plan anything - I couldn't count on anything. I may be able to go do, or
I may not be able to go do - and there was no way of forecasting when was which.
I think I got used to it. That is the way it is. If I agree to go to dinner 2 nights
from now, whoever needs to understand that this energy level may change, and I might
not be able to go. If I am down, I may need to take the day off and pick back up
where I left off, on another day.
But it probably took me a good 18 months to get used this - it's a different way of
living, for sure. And I think I balked every step of the way.
Linda
Tell Us More...
By: Interviewer
Hey Linda, I’d love to hear more about how you got used to things and what your
“strategy” and experience was.
One of my struggles at the moment is, “do I fight this” or “do I accept this”,
because they kind of seem like different strategies.
“Fighting” (which I’m trying now), involves using the normal and up phases to come up
with plans and systems to learn to recognize and “control” (step-up or step-down)
moods – the ultimate goal being “I control my moods, not my moods control me”,
whereas “accepting” seems more to be about functionality – “I can do X when I’m up”,
when I’m down I just have to sit it out.
Accepting is less stressful, and therefore perhaps less harmful and more conducive to
healing, whereas fighting accentuates the ups and downs, you can’t help beating
yourself up when you “lose” or getting excited when you have wins.
anonymous
Do I Accept this, or Do I Fight This?
Interesting - Do I fight it or Do I accept it.
Interesting - “I control my moods, not my moods control me”
Let's look at this "control" thing. Have you ever found yourself in a behavior,
where it appears that bipolar has flat run off with your mind? I have. I have done
some pretty crazy things.
I held fast for a brief little while that this is impossible. That somewhere along
the way, I had let Bipolar run off with my mind. That I had made a conscious
choice to do whatever crazy thing I had done. Not that Bipolar had chosen for me.
A friend of mine told me that if that were true, bipolar wasn't the issue -
because true bipolar can and does run off with your mind. I investigated further -
what is this human thing of "loosing control?"
Self Help Book
Whether it be dieting, quitting smoking, or Bipolar running off with my mind - I could see
this progression behind "loosing control".
What is it that happens in me - when Bipolar runs off with my mind? This is long,
bear with me:
I propose that this is a running progression of brain mal function. When my brain is
operating correctly - I know I have a goal, I know what it is, I don’t forget. I don’t
mess up. Easy. I do get very tired after some while in a mood swing either way, or
both ways (mixed). I get wore out fighting for my mind. Then think about it, either
in the height of mania or the pits of depression, if you are like me – I can only
comprehend now. I can not cause my mind to remember or predict, that things will be
any other way, but the way they are now. It is incomprehensible. Finally, when I’ve
gone and messed up, and I’ve pulled my share of wild ones – I have lost my ability
to evaluate consequences. Bipolar has flat run off with my mind.
But, did it have to happen? Where in that progression, is it possible for me to catch
myself, and therefore “NOT mess up”? It has to be in 2) paying attention, don’t forget –
“keep your eye on the 8 ball”. Once I’ve lost sight of my goal, and get tired, and time
becomes altered, I don’t think it enters my mind, whether I have any judgment, at all.
I just saw it happen in a recent 2 month episode. My friend is right. Bipolar can
and does flat run off with my mind. I have no control. I loose sight of my goal,
in favor of the immediate NOW.
I have never thought as you suggest that “I control my moods, not my moods control me”
Rather, what I have thought is "I must manage my day and NOT mess up". ... So what
I have been thinking is to "manage my moods, rather then let my moods manage me".
Manage and control are 2 different things. I am in the business of managing my moods,
not controlling them. I literally can not control them and just saw that explicitly on
Thursday.
I believe in "getting used to this ever changing energy level" I am doing both -
accepting and fighting.
Sunday/Monday I had a migraine pull my mood low - I paid it no mind. The migraine
did that and the migraine will pass.
Tuesday my mood came up as I expected, as the migraine passed.
Wednesday afternoon, my mood had come up too high I protected myself (NO shopping) -
I also on purpose went into listening mode over dinner. My husband needed me to listen.
Thursday - I motor mouthed my dear husbands ear off in the morning. My mood is still high.
Over lunch it switched and dropped like a rock. I am not happy about this drastic contrast
that I had no control over. I accepted - tomorrow is another day.
Friday - I would call the mood the old fashion word melancholy and it was also irritable.
I am pissed that a migraine has triggered a bipolar mood episode in me. I fought it.
I took my dogs for a walk - no puppy training as I would have in normal mood - just a
nice walk with my dogs. I battled on and mowed my field. On field mowing - I will
confess that my choice of PRN meds would not stand up to doctor scrutiny. In the old
days, I would have smoked some pot, but I can't do that anymore, without risking jail
time. I managed some combination of PRN meds that altered my mood sufficiently to get
my field mowed. My theory still remaining - tomorrow will be a different day.
It is tomorrow. I will fight on. Am I okay? Okay enough for right now. I did mess up
yesterday - I misused my PRN meds. I chose the immediate now (mow the field) over my
goal "do not mess up". Did I have to choose that - or did Bipolar choose that for me?
I guess Bipolar did. I know better then to mess up - it is my goal - over getting a
field mowed. As it is a brand new day - first priority is to get back on track - do
not mess up. Given the requirements of this day, I think that will work out. All I
have in mind for today is taking my puppy to the mountains for exploration.
To have handled Friday correctly, instead of choosing to fight on - I ought to have chose
to accept it - and postponed field mowing till today. I didn't. Thunderstorms were coming
and today is Saturday - I didn't want my Saturday to have field mowing work.
It's a balance. I can not control bipolar, but I can manage it. And my tools to manage
bipolar run the spectrum from accepting it, to fighting it --- it's not an either or thing.
I did not consciously choose to mess up yesterday. I did consciously choose to fight on -
and in choosing to do so, messing up was my mechanism for getting there. I betrayed my
own #1 goal - Do mot mess up. I lost sight of my goal. A very globally human way of
loosing control - not necessarily bipolar, but undoubtedly a bipolar (low) was the problem.
Just as chocolate cake is to a dieter, or a room full of smokers to the smoker who is
quitting. I chose the immediate now over my goal.
Good grief - I have no idea if I am making any sense. This is what your words suggested to me.
Linda
- in Describing This to My Husband
a Normie (a Person Without a Mental Illness Diagnosis)
I think I better add, that in describing this post to my husband - a normie (a person
without a metal illness diagnosis) ... who knows of my battles with messing up and the
story I just told here ...
I do recall in my 20's being able to control my mood. Like wake up in a bad mood, and
put on a happy face for work. This is no longer possible for me, but I have lived to
48 by now. So what I am saying, is just because I can not control my mood, doesn't
mean you can not - okay?
I also wanted to comment on your:
"One of the “evolutionary” theories of depression is that it’s a way of disengaging
from an unachievable or improbable goal, thus preventing further futile energy expenditure. "
Depression is one word that covers a spectrum of things. From I'm bummed out, my favorite
team lost the big game - to unrelenting suicidal depression that goes on for months.
Because of this, I rarely pay much heed to popular books, speakers, etc - on the subject.
They are often trivializing the problem I experience - all part of this spectrum thing,
so I guess what they say may be true for someone.
This is where I will get caught between acceptances and fighting. I experience times
where I don't want to get off the sofa, let alone be conscious at all. I have come to
accept this in myself, because I know myself - I will not lie on that sofa not even
one minute longer then I need to. I will get tired of it - and get up and fight. I
can count on that in me. So I accept, and then I get up and fight. But that is just me.
Interesting questions about living with BP. Or they are interesting to me.
Linda
Time Machine
By: Interviewer
I'm finding it very interesting Linda, still re-reading and digesting your posts.
I guess I was kind of hoping for an "easy" answer - like "accept it and everything will
be easier", or "keep fighting and things will improve." But really, I knew you were going
to come back with the, "You have to fight and accept."
But what piqued my interest in the first place was you said that it took you 18 months to
get used to the new way of living, and you “baulked every step of the way.” I guess
I kind of transcribed that to mean, you came up with a strategy, kept resisting
(fighting) it, and then accepted it and things were better for that.
I’m in my 20s, and I can control my moods – put on the happy face and go to work –
but it’s kind of like, what’s the point, if it’s not part of a grander plan of
resistance – if every minute with the happy face I’m really just pining to be
curled up at home on the floor staring at the wall, why shouldn’t I just accept
that and structure a life for that, like what my friend has done?
At least, I’m less unhappy doing that.
Anyway, I’m not expecting you to tell me what I should do, but thanks for the info,
it helps so much. I want to ask, if you went back in a time machine to your 20s,
knowing what you do now and the path that your BP will take, what different “plans”
would you put in place?
Cheers
Anonymous
Great question!
I am sorry, I am not familiar with what your friend has chosen to do.
- your time machine question - has got to be the favorite soap box of every old fart -
and you just invited me to step upon mine.
I have never been a person with many regrets. I do what I do, when I do it, because
I thought it was the best thing for me to do, at the time.
All I ever wanted from the time I was wee little - was a little place of my own and some
land my grandma's standard response to my childish "I want's". She'd say, "And all I
want is a farm and it fenced". Well, that's all I turned out wanting. And I did achieve
that, for myself - I bought it, no one bought it for me.
So I headed off to corporate America with my college degree and squirreled away
every penny I had the opportunity to earn - with this farm and it fenced goal in mind.
I never intended to do that work alcoholic thing one minute longer then I had to.
My first major disaster came in the mid to late 80's. It was bipolar at play in hindsight.
I was undiagnosed. I was 30 or so, at the time. I made it through work being all over
my butt for pressurized speech and jumping subjects. I made it through the following
depression. And then I got my first "political thrashing" in the workplace. Basically
it's a power play, and some manager felt threatened by me and effectively took me down.
This happened twice, but mid 80's was my first.
I looked up one day and wondered what a nice girl like me was doing in a place
like this (work). And I decided a "leave of absence" might cure whatever ailed me.
I was granted my leave of absence (8 weeks) and I took myself off on an adventure -
a road trip to Alaska.
It worked! I learned the solution to the inflated self esteem of hypo mania. The solution
is - it is not important. And when it comes right down to it, not much is really all
that important. I have been able to draw from the lesson.
But for your time machine question - I learned something even bigger.
Life is for living now. There may be no future. And in my case, where the
Bipolar has progressed to some very nasty business - this is very true. If
I had continued to do that traditional work thing - postponing my dreams for
some fictions retirement --- my health wouldn't have been there for me.
So #1 - Live your dreams now! Caveat - make sure their not some kind of bipolar whim,
okay? But to anyone, with some burning desire - my response would be - go do that now.
That retire and live your dreams thing may work out for some, but personally ...
if I'd waited to 65, or even 55 for my Alaska adventure - it would have been an
entirely different sort of adventure, then the one I had in my early 30's, right?
Mountain climbing would have been much harder, for instance.
Let's see, I have already said it - but it bears repeating, because it is
always true ... Life is a balance.
I was busy squirreling away money for my farm and it fenced - but I cut a gaping hole
in that dream, for a more immediate dream of my Alaska adventure. I was strongly
raised to pay my own way in this world. That "save for a rainy day" couldn't be
truer, for a young person in their 20's - who already knows they have a chronic
debilitating progressive disease for life - bipolar.
I was cut loose from my ability to earn any real money by age 42. Bipolar
had progressed too far, and now I also had chronic migraines. This was sooner
then I was planning, of course. My income today is at the whim of disability -
government weenies choosing or not choosing - to dole me out money. This is
not freedom. I hate it!
I do have my little old farmhouse and a few acres in a remote location, so the
cost of living is low - and it didn't burn all my savings - I didn't really have
the option to go in any higher style. Rainy days are standard affairs anymore.
So #2 - is squirrel away for the rainy days (known, and as yet - unknown).
The ability to pay your own way is freedom. I cherish sunshine and freedom above all else.
So you see, what this all boils down to is that balance thing again - not an either
or, not a nice clean one or the other:
I did buck up to the high pressures of big city corporate America with those high paying
big bucks jobs - as long as I possibly could. But when that was over, and no longer
remotely possible - like a train coming into the station, when it stopped - I got off,
and downsized. And I was lucky enough to be able to ride that gravy train long enough
to go grab my dream (my farm and it fenced). I'm not sure everyone is as lucky as me.
The worst "having to go to work" day I remember, was the night I had paced my house
with my finger gun to my head, and drove into work - thinking every tree I passed,
looked like a likely target for my truck to hit at 60 mph. The answer for me, to that
one, was I had to get out of there. I was a round peg in a square hole and to continue
was to kill me. And I left. I quit that job without another one. And I sold that house
after having only owned it 4 months. And I moved. This bought me another 4 years of
corporate America’s gravy train big bucks. I kept on, until there was no more keeping
on in me - period.
My diagnosis didn't come until 5 years past there was any possible anything in me.
9 years after that finger gun. 15 years after that Alaska adventure. No - I never
wish the bipolar was treated earlier. I draw today on what I learned along the way,
about how to co-exist with the beast.
Never ask an old fart a standing on their soap box question? Us old farts can get
long and windy.
Life is a balance.
Bipolar is a balance - just more extreme.
Linda
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