3rd and Near Fatal Suicide Attempt
Last Email to My Best Friend before the Attempt
Hi (best friend),
As usual, your words are heart felt and HELPFUL!!! I appreciate that very much.
Please excuse my writing. I am very dopey today. A minor OD last night - minor by
rational intentional thinking. I have the drugs to kill me within an hour, with only
a 15% chance of an ER room being able to save me - assuming they get me within the hour.
I didn't choose those drugs. I didn't want to die - I wanted to live. I just felt like
my back was against the wall, with no solutions. - My chosen rote response
"Save Me Tactic"
to this kind of problem is,
"just because I haven't thought of a solution yet, doesn't mean there is none".
I left the house intending to do something much stupider then I did, but I never arrived
at my intended location. I back tracked, found a parking lot - swallowed a reasonable OD
quantity of drugs and then high tailed it home to sleep them off. I had my husband at bay,
by having told him directly earlier - get out of here, leave me alone". Still, I
heard my husband check up on me.
I am having marital squabbles, and as this doesn't happen often - geezo,
I don't have much practice.
The story from the beginning: My husband and I have both been sick at the same time.
My husband coughing / flu, bronchitis sick and the worst depression I have ever seen
him in - me ... mostly the worst psychosis I have ever experienced At times,
I could not meet his needs, and vice versus - he could not meet mine.
Oh a week or so ago, my husband came out with his anti med views I have always known
were there, but he's kept to himself due to a request from a therapist I had a
few years ago. My husband's words "I am not going to see a psychiatrist. They will
just want me to take drugs I don't want to take. Besides - look what they did to you!!!"
I double checked last night, yes my husband thinks that the Neurontin 1200mg (so a low
dose and only for 2 months) I was given back in 2001 by a doctor who lost his license,
is the reason for the Bipolar I have today. Granted, that Neurontin was the beginning
of some serious OD's on my part. Coincidental enough that on the 2nd OD -
I quit the Neurontin.
But what has that got to do with today? And it's irrational, because raising my husband's
Prozac from 10mg every other day to 20mg every day has fixed him right up. Still,
I am the recipient of this anti med stance. The only way I know to restore harmony is
to quit all my meds. End of controversial subject.
My husband has all of a sudden got very demeaning regarding my computer skills. Yeah,
I deleted his business files, but that was a glitch in Windows, and no he didn't have
a current back up, and I don't know how to recover a disk - so I call in experts when
they are needed - which my husband did, firing me.
In troubleshooting my wrecked computer (heat, the motherboard has leaking capacitors)
I used one of his idle computers and strung a few networks - no glitches. I did get
in trouble for failing to ask first - as I ought to have I guess. My husband is just
not well enough at the moment to have computer troubles caused by his wife.
So I ran away to the motel, because my husband clobbered my ego (my computer skills).
I threw the water glass, because I was sure he was going to get after me again.
Peace reigned, till last night (Tuesday night). One thing bad, was the psyche doctor
put my husband in charge of watching me on Monday night ... but hey my husband - remember,
you are fired, off my safety team.
My husband was pissed off at the new bookkeeper and called him derisively a "sick" man.
This punched my buttons. He went on about his anti med stance again. I haven't touched
his computers, but he reminded me not too.
Only one way out - stop taking all my meds - or be dead. Or that's how my mind saw it.
So I called the psyche doctor, and the psyche doctor on call was my psyche doctor -
who said that both of us need to be in his office in the next week - not 2 weeks as planned.
That we would all work it out, together. Well, I can't really do that - legacy from
that useless psyche doctor I once had for 2 years.
I left the house with a bottle of pills in my pocket, but the safe enough kind. I know
that gestures are stupid things. I got myself semi under control and minor OD'ed, instead.
And am one dopey human today for it.
I can't tell if I am being logical / rational with marital troubles - or
Bipolar is skewing my brain.
I have to get my act together. Go see the tdoc. And this afternoon I
Have a site visit with a potential landscaping customer - of my husband's.
The puppies are all well, and mostly I am too.
More later
Linda
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