3rd and Near Fatal Suicide Attempt
First Email to My Best Friend after the Attempt
Hi (best friend),
Yeah, I figured you knew - I had known when you OD'd and all one can do is hope and
wait for the person to come back on line, huh?
I'm here. Home. Free. It's the darndest thing - I am so tired - no stamina at all -
and can not sleep for love nor money (or 400mg of Seroquel). Almost like nighttime
is waking me up or something. I haven't taken any thyroid med in a week - I wonder
if that is why I'm so tired?
I was on the phone with the hospital right before I walked out the door. They were
telling me to come in, but I couldn't - didn't.
It was a Tricyclic OD (3grams) sprinkled with a hefty dose (half bottles) of Seroquel
and Klonopin for sleep (threw the ordeal, thing).
I just hung up the phone, picked up the drugs and a bottle of pop and drove
out to BLM land. 10 minutes and the deed was done. 1.5 cigs and I was out
like a light. Quick - easy - painless.
Too darn easy to repeat (and succeed). Hence, all I've been doing for the past
3 days while in the psyche ward is working on a new
safety plan.
My car keys are frozen solid in a block of ice, right now. I am under house arrest.
My psyche doctor says I was psychotic. And once I got psychotic - it just settled in and
stayed. He says next time - he is just hospitalizing me. He says he's beginning to get
a feel for what my bipolar does. He didn't dump me, send me to state or court order
Lithium - none of the above. All I'm taking right now is 40/40 Geodon and 400mgs
Seroquel at night.
I asked why not "schizo effective"? Because my psychosis is all positive signs and
no negative signs - that's what he said.
Geezo (best friend) ... I am so lightly drugged at the moment, in comparison to what
I was ---- nothing was slowing that beast down. 1600mgs Tegretol, 8 mgs Risperdal
plus 200mg Seroquel - 1200mgs Seroquel had failed. Just amazing!
You spoke of your cliff hallucinations on your Seroquel OD? When I woke from that coma
I thought I was in a B&B in a Colorado town 300 miles from here. Only the next day when
I saw my medical doctor and wondered why he was at the B&B did I figure it out.
My psyche doctor went and saw me in ICU, he tells me. Says I was blue. He came and
saw me on the medical ward. Gees - what a party place, with room service. I kept
ordering popsicles for my scratchy throat from where they had intubated me. Then the
psyche ward fetched me down to hard time (no shoes laces allowed, no room service,
bedtimes and rules, rules, rules).
I lost my wallet along the way, so today has been canceling credit cards and making
a pharmacy run, and setting up a new computer (my motherboard is burned on my other one)
and cleaning the dang house LOL I came home to a place which looked like only men
lived here LOL
Sally Anne is in her first heat (Captain told us so). And I have fruit on
all my trees (apples, pears, plums, peaches and almonds).
I think tomorrow I will try and go mow the back field. I really enjoy doing that.
My mood? I guess it's okay. There was a pretty freaky psychotic blip a few nights ago.
The walls were breathing and that infernal barely audible radio everyone hears. It
was those breathing walls that were flipping me out.
I wonder if another 400mgs of Seroquel would help me sleep? It's been 2 hours. My eyelids
feel propped open by toothpicks.
That I think is the story. Oh, and I'm not mad at my husband a bit anymore and can't
even remember so well, why I was so mad at him. Gees, I got lucky with a guy like my husband.
your friend,
Linda
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