Acceptance
I knew I had to accept that I had Bipolar Disorder, but I didn't know how to do that. I spent 16 months in denial, 7 of those months under treatment. You have to accept the diagnosis in order to move forward. To get on with your life. That's why you have to do it. To deny the Disorder is not unlike anyone else with a chronic serious illness. And not unlike anyone else who suffers a loss. It is natural, and I was no different. Admittedly, the first 9 months of denial was untreated and I really was pretty sick (not in my right mind), but what about those next 7 months? I think my first shot at denial under treatment was to accuse the psychiatrist of having made a mistake. She must have, right? I couldn't possibly have this Disorder that made me take powerful psychotropic drugs every day for the rest of my life. Well, logic untangled this one. I actually did have respect for this psychiatrist. And I sure didn't want to go back to my previously untreated state of insanity. My next shot went on for a while. I was angry. "You can have your Bipolar Disorder and the horse it rode in on" I would sneer at anyone who came close to me. Maybe if I could chase the person away, I could chase the diagnosis away with them? I then tried to run away from it. I set off on a month long 5000 mile journey to northern Canada and some old friends I had not seen in 8 years. Just 4 days out from home I was symptomatic. Ot Oh, I had brought my broken mind with me and I began to mourn. Another 4 days out and I was very sick. Sick enough to have to enact my emergency plan. I was plenty scared, but I took correct action unassisted by any of the props I had at home. I was managing my own illness by myself for the first time. I did make it the entire journey and had many more highs and lows along the way. It was eye opening to reveal the condition to my old friends. It was also eye opening to see who I had become, comparing the current me, to the me, in the same surrounds just 8 years past. Because of that stark difference of who I was, to whom I had become, I went off my meds when I returned home. I immediately went completely out of my mind. This was no small disaster, it was a major disaster. My psychiatrist said she saw it as a good thing, because I was very angry and therefore that much closer to acceptance. I listened (I actually don't remember 36 hours of what she was referring to, so I was listening to find that out, as much as anything). She said the thing to do next was to grieve for the old me, I had lost. I was game to do most anything at that point that would keep from further disaster, so what I did was pick up my favorite "grief" book and read it. The book said "the healing begins where the memories begin". So for the first time, I remembered the me that I was, before this Disorder had wrecked havoc on my life. She was "capable and competent". And I cried buckets. I can't have her back. She is gone. There is no me to go back to, just on the other side of these drugs. It was then I found acceptance and began to move forward. So how had I found acceptance? I suppose each has to get there their own way, but for me a lot of it was active testing of reality. I tried to accuse my psychiatrist of making a mistake. I tried to chase everyone away who believed I had the Disorder. I tried to physically run from it. I tried to turn back the hands of time to who I used to be. Finally there was nothing else to do, but cry, accept the way things were, and get on with my new life.
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Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar Disorder, Second Edition
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The Bipolar Workbook: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings
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An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
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Wellness Recovery Action Plan
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My name is Linda. I welcome your feedback.
However, please be gentle and speak softly.
Ordinary real life rocks my mood, and I really
don't need Internet email, to set off a mood episode in motion - you know what I mean?
I look forward to hearing from you, and if I can be of help in any way, I sure will try.
Disclaimer
The intention of this site is to provide understanding, information, and commentary. The diagnosis and treatment of Bipolar Disorder requires trained medical professionals. The author of this site is NOT a trained medical professional and cannot give professional advice, diagnose, prescribe, or in any way treat Bipolar Disorder. The information here should NOT be used as a substitute for seeking professional care for the diagnosis and treatment of any medical/psychiatric disorder. If you feel you are ill or know someone who may be, seek medical attention as soon as possible.
© Copyright 2003 Linda Fisher™
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