Bipolar Essays

These essays were written by me. My name is Linda.
My bias is that I have Bipolar Disorder. And so does my brother.
I have a university degree in Environmental Science and worked for 20 years in corporate computing before becoming too ill. (15 years of that in Aerospace and 5 years in Telecommunications)

Learning to Live With Bipolar Disorder

These essays, at least so far, are related to one another (2003).

I was trying to come to some kind of understanding of my Bipolar Disorder which under treatment, had broke out in a mood episode anyway. I did catch the entire 2 month breakout mood episode 2003 in the mood chart I keep on a daily basis. And I graphed it.

I did get about 8 days of a respite from all that extreme mood, before it overtook me again. And whether I am the exception or the rule, I do not know, but I was afraid it would come back. "What if it came back and I couldn't handle it?" "Why isn't there somebody that can help me?" I am nearly sure this sentiment was behind my suicidal ideas a few days into my respite.

But like all of us who live with a chronic serious medical condition, I got my feet back under me and got my face out of the mud. And that journey is really what these essays are about. Many Bipolars are talented in the arts, but my talents have always lay in my intellect, and so that is how I approached this problem.

I toyed with the idea of medication. "Was I on the right medication?" The answer to this is "I have to be, every other possibility has been tried without success". "Was I on the right dosage"? This was possibly debatable. I had been on higher dosages, so I had some knowledge of what effect that had on me. Raise the Lithium and it turned me into a zombie. Raise the Tegretol with the Lithium raised and I got toxic on Tegretol - so not possible. But maybe the Tegretol could be raised, if the Lithium remained the same?

So do I go asking for more (higher dosages) medication? I personally am very reluctant at that idea. I really am quite drugged (thank you very much). Then there was the issue of my emergency med. I am reluctant to take it also, but in hindsight can see I should of and 2 days earlier at that. I think medical science has done what they can do. But how can that be? They haven't "fixed" me.

These turned out to be the right questions, though. I proposed the question To Medicate or Not To Medicate? on one of the online message boards. I stated the problem as "I am looking for as high a quality life as is attainable - which is some sort of delicate balance between Bipolar wrecking havoc on my mind and life versus medication wrecking havoc on my mind and life." And that is what sent me on the wonderful discovery, much of which is captured in these pages.

Out of the question came 2 suggestions I thought were great. A concept of 3 Tuning Knobs - Self Care, Severity of Symptoms, and Expectations where if the symptoms go up, you turn up the self care and turn down the expectations. And when you can no longer turn up the self care and turn down the expectations your only place to turn, is more medication. Secondly, to use the DSMV IV criteria for depression and hypo mania to determine how severe your episode is. After all it is the measuring stick.

Along the way I dug up the statistics on how treatable or not treatable is Bipolar Disorder? and that has allowed me to reset my expectations of modern medical science.

So now I can measure (DSMV IV), track (mood chart), adjust to changing conditions (tuning knobs), and do something about my Bipolar Disorder (self care). What's there to be afraid of? Okay an agitated, mixed, psychotic state could still be a problem. But it is not a problem today.